..I don't know if I could call this a rant..

[crazyfurries]

but it needs saying anyway. The past few days have been great for me.. cheaply expanding the wardrobe without having to resort to dresses (I despise thee the dress), I got some baby sitting gigs which actually went pretty well and I have money now for gas and munchies...

But in other news there has been a major downfall of godly shit in the area. By godly shit I mean things have happened. Sometimes I wish I could remain in blissful ignorance but the price of rent there is WAY to frikkin' high. And so in Painful Knowledge.. ..I'll cut the metaphoric crap right now. One of my little brother's best friends apparently DIED today. he was thrown from a truck when it rolled over.. and then the truck rolled on top of him. I knew him growing up. How couldn't I? He and my brother spent most of their time together growing up. And like all little boys they both had the habits of acting like scraps of frogshit.. ...but they were kids. People, his mother was one of the FIRST to come and help my mom when we hit hard times.. ..The friend in question helped my little brother with his scout projects.. and often kept him out of my hair...

The real problem is.. ...I don't feel anything right now. Part of me is saying I should be crying... It's the right thing to do. But I can't seem to. I'm numb, I keep thinking.. ...hey he'll walk in through the door and tell me it was a joke.. it would have been the kind of thing he'd do. ...I've never been good with expressing things to people. Right now... ...I wish I could do something.. more than just offer my condolences to a devasted mother. more than just having to say.. things will be alright. Things aren't alright. ...but I guess we have to move on. Past.. ...it's the past. moving on.. is really the only sane and healthy thing to do... right? ...why the fuck does it have to be so hard...

Comments

I'm so sorry, Rusha...

[noushieboushie.livejournal.com]

...I can only imagine. Just know that it's ok to feel how you feel--you prolly just need time to process it, and there's nothing wrong with that. When Liz's sister died, I felt terrible for her but it didn't really mess me up too bad personally. I felt oddly removed from the situation, and deeply uncomfortable with my lack of emotion. Later, I was able to process it better--at first it just didn't seem real.

Just be grateful for your brothers--appreciate your family. Go and give them huggies.

(In other, unrelated news--I got your message. Sushi sometime sounds great. I don't have my schedule for next week yet, but I should have a couple of days off. I will have money then to go ;)

*hugs*

[rigger.livejournal.com]

Hey there fuzzy, I wish I could be there for ya and believe me I understand how you must feel. Don't worry the tears they will come when you're ready for them.

If you need to chat you know where to find me.

[aurora77]

*hugs* Sorry to hear that. It's disturbing to not feel anything right away, but it eventually comes and you half-wish you were back to feeling apathetic or numb again. *hugs again*